Posts Tagged ‘MLB’

New York Mets finish another successful season

Tuesday, October 5th, 2010

(Faux News Network)

Our sports reporter, Jock, Strapper filed this exclusive report:

A spokesperson for the New York Mets announced the completion of a successful season.  He said in a telephone interview, “The Mets believe we delivered quality baseball to all our fans and we’re justifiably proud of the team’s accomplishments.  At the beginning of the season we set out a pair of goals.  The first was to finish at least ten games in front of the last place team and we accomplished that.  Our other goal was to play .500 ball and we just missed that one. If we had won two more games, we would finished with an even won-lost ratio.

“We have one of the highest payrolls in baseball and we are proud of the way our players earned their salaries.  We are also pleased with some of the achievements of our individual players.  For instance, Luis Castillo was the highest paid benchwarmer in the league.  And what can we say about Oliver Perez’s performance.  Given astronomical ERA, his huge salary and the small number of innings pitched, he had the highest salary per inning pitched in the history of baseball, a wonderful achievement.

We want our fans to know that next year, we will strive to improve.  Out preliminary goals for 2011 are to beat the last place team by fifteen games and finish with a positive won-lost ratio.  Management knows we can’t sit still if we are to achieve these goals and it is committed to improve our team so we can deliver the level of mediocrity that our fans have become accustom to.”

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Baseball players upset by Lopez contract

Thursday, September 16th, 2010

(Faux News Network)

Major League baseball players expressed outrage today over the size of Jennifer Lopez’s contract.

A union official who talked only under condition of anonymity said, “I doubt if she can catch a baseball and I’m sure she can’t hit a fast ball, so why is she worth all that money?  We have major league players who can catch and hit and they don’t earn anything near that much.  We have notified every owner and the MLB that the players demand a raise of one million a year retroactive to the start of the season.  If our justified and quite reasonable demand is not met, the players will vote to go on strike at the end of the season.  Let’s see the owners play the post-season games with strike breakers.

Almost Perfect Games

Friday, June 4th, 2010

The baseball call that wrecked a perfect game has to be one of the worst calls in baseball history.  The commission’s refusal to correct the error is the stupidest decision in the all of sports history.