Posts Tagged ‘humorous fantasy stories’

Faux News Network Interview with Author Hank Quense

Friday, November 5th, 2010

(Faux News Network Exclusive Report)

My name is Marcia Hammerhead, cultural editor and reporter for the Faux News Network.  Despite my known preference for literary works, the publisher insists I interview an unknown scribbler of genre fiction, Hank Quense. With great reluctance, I have managed to read this so-called author’s book, Tales From Gundarland.

Marcia: What is Gundarland and where is it?

Hank: It’s a large country in a parallel universe that’s rather close to ours. In fact, it’s only a wormhole or two away.  It is populated by dwarfs, elves, humans, half-pints, yuks and other races.  This is also the2011 ebookawardfinalistuniverse that has the despicable zaftans.  It’s only a matter of time until the alien zaftans and the gundarlandians meet.  The results of the meeting will be unpredictable.

Marcia: I was shocked to discover the book has plots.  Why did you use plots?  Plots are so 20th century.  Modern literature demands plotless stories.

Hank: Plots are timeless.  Homer used them 3500 years ago and 3500 years into the future, stories will still use plots.  Without plots, the characters wander around wondering what they are supposed to be doing. Plotless stories are like bloodless people.  My book is a collection of six short stories and two novellas and I’m happy to announce that every one of them has a plot.

Marcia: How disgusting.  Moving on, you mutilated two of Shakespeare’s most beloved plays.  Can’t you come up with your own stories?  Why plagiarize one of the most famous writers in the English language?

Hank: Shakespeare’s plays were written in the 1500’s and are almost unreadable.  They cry out for an update and that’s what I did. I like to think that I made Shakespeare more accessible to modern readers.

Marcia: Do you plan any more Shakespearian perversions?

Hank: Right now, I’m working on a first draft of a masterpiece.  It’ll combine the plots and characters from Othello and Hamlet with another character, Falstaff.  It’ll be a novella and probably top out at 35,000 words.  I think Shakespeare would applaud my efforts to update his plays.  In this case, Hamlet is a dwarf prince, Othello is a dark elf and Falstaff is himself, a human rogue.

Marcia: If that isn’t chutzpah, I don’t know what is.  You used a self-publishing option to get this collection published.  I suppose no regular publisher would touch this rubbish.  True?

Hank: I’m not sure, since I didn’t try very hard.  I’ve used publishers in the past and what happens with them is I get to do all the work and they get the keep almost all the money.  Bummer.  With self-publishing, I get to keep most of the money.  Big difference.

Marcia: And how is this trash selling?

Hank: It’s a best seller on Zaftan 31B.  Unfortunately, the aliens burn the book and use the ashes in a pornographic ritual.  But I like to think the zaftans read the stories before burning it.  In Gundarland, it’s selling well and some of the characters have reached rock-star fame.  This is especially true for Burga the Warrior-Cook and Zarro, the dwarf hero.  Their agents are negotiating tour contracts.

Marcia: I find it incomprehensible that this collection receives awards.  It must be symptomatic of a general decline in literature and taste.

Hank: Many readers find my stories entertaining.

Marcia: Do you plan more assaults on the mother tongue and literature in general?

I plan to release a novel early next year.  It’s called Zaftan Entrepreneurs and it’s a first contact book.  A zaftan mining ship discovers Gundarland and tries to plunder its mineral wealth.  This angers a dwarf miner and he declares war on the aliens.

Marcia: That certainly is bad news since my editor may want me to interview you again.  Now that I’ve been warned, perhaps I can develop a way to avoid that onerous task.  This is Marcia Hammerhead, cultural reporter extraordinaire signing off and apologizing for subjecting you to this author’s drivel.

Book Sale

Friday, October 29th, 2010

EPIC just announced that my tales From Gundarland is a finalist in their annual contest.  To celebrate, I’mTFG award cover discounting the price 20% until Nov 15.  This discount, via coupon, applies to both print and ebook editions.  Here are the discount details:

Amazon Coupon code:RNTAJ4TB

Smashwords coupon: ST36K

New Tales From Gundarland Review

Friday, October 22nd, 2010

Tales from The Gunderland is one of those books that could easily become a cult phenomenon. I really enjoyed the humor, which was sort of a cross between Hitchiker’sTFG award cover Guide to the Galaxy and Monty Python.  Each story was unique and self-contained, but still contributed to the “Gunderland Universe” as a whole.  My favorite is still Quinse’s retake on Romeo and Juliet. But seriously, who wouldn’t love a book with dwarfs, pirates, and aliens?

Hank Quense has created a collection I’d be proud to not only have on my shelf, but would definitely recommend to my friends. Anyone who enjoys off-beat humor should pick up this book. I’m looking forward to seeing more of his work.  Five bookmarks, for sure! ~Reviewed by Sherry Ficklin for Mind Fog Reviews!

Tales From Gundarland Group Reading Guide

Friday, October 15th, 2010

(Faux News Network Exclusive Report)

Our Cultural Reporter Marcia Hammerhead filed this report.  She obtained a guide for Reading Groups covering Hank Quense’s latest release, the award-winningTales From Gundarland.

Reading Group Guide:

1: Do you think Romeo really loved Juliet or did he woo her to simply piss off her brothers? Find material in the story to support your position.

2: Do you think Rolf and Ralf are sissies because they worry about what Ma thinks?

3: Why are heros like Zarro and The Lone Stranger so inept?  Do you think it is a result of theirTFG award coverupbringing? Or are they simply the wrong stuff?

4: Do you think the princesses will eventually seduce Knuben?  Who will win their contest?  Why will she win?  Will she be happy she won?

5: Why does Maestro Andante only use three kazoos in his band?  Would more kazoos have effected the outcome?  Would five kazoos make a more mellow sound?  Defend your answer?

6: Did Duchess Stilken cheat on her husband with General MacDwarfen before the husband’s death?  Cite evidence to support your opinion.

7: How many passive sentences did I use in the book?  List them.

8: In Merchant of Venison, can you add any ‘D’ words to the court scene?

9: In Rescuing Princesses, why didn’t Burga throw the recalcitrant princess, over his shoulder and rescue her anyway?  Explain this lack of dedication to the rescue.  Does this indicate a possibly fatal flaw in Burga’s psyche?

10: How can the stories in this collection be used to foster galactic peace? Explain in twenty-five words of less.

Tales for the Troops Announcement

Wednesday, August 25th, 2010

For several years now, I have made available to our military a collection of ten of my published short stories.  The collection, called Tales for the Troops, has been available as a free of charge download, but only in .pdf format.  It can now be downloaded in a variety of formats from the Smashwords website.TT CVR

I want to disseminate the availability of the collection as widely as possible. If you have a member of your family in the service, please forward these links to them. If you know a family who has a member in the service, forward these links to them.

If you’re not in the military, download the collection and pay what you think it’s worth.  Any money I receive will go to defray my expenses.  To date, I’ve sent over 250 snail mail letters to military personnel and organizations and a like number of emails.

There are two links:

Tales for the Troops website:

Smashwords website:

Tales From Gundarland review

Wednesday, August 18th, 2010
Here is Fran Lewis’s review as posted on Amazon: 5 stars

Welcome to Gundarland, a unique place filled with humans, dwarfs, Yuks, elves. Enter this world created by a god who sneezed. You read that right He sneezed with such force caused byGundarlandEbook3D snorting an overdose of His favorite recreational powder. Gundarland is the largest land mass of planet and you’ll want to read this outstanding, hysterical, humorous, creative and wildly funny novel by author Hank Quense. Buy the book and you’ll get your very own gold passport to visit this wonderful place.

Hank Quense is the master of humor, satire and hilarity in this great book filled with magic, wizards, humans, and many races and, of course, some zany characters that I hope he brings back in his next book.

As to the stories themselves:

When Romeo and Juliet meet in ballet class it’s love at first sight. But her brothers do their best to destroy any hope of happiness for these two lovebirds. With a chaperone that is evil and brothers who think they can best Romeo, this story will delight readers, renew your faith in love and make you definitely crack up laughing.

Next we meet the newest superhero Zarro who rides his fractious mule Belinda, and hopes to make the world safe from Yuks and Elves alike. Stopping the execution of a dwarf and ridding the town of Yuks, Zarro hides his identity from friends, foes and family to make his world a safer place for the dwarves. This is the only the first part of the novella, Chasing Dreams.

In Boggerts Blue, we meet a kidnapped princess who refuses to accept her rescuer because he is not a noble and not part of the right social class to rescue her. What a rude thing to do.

The Big Bang is about loyalty, friendships, caring, protecting others from harm. It’s heartwarming, and tears that will fall from your eyes and soak a tissue from laughter,

In the Queen’s Hero, the longest story in the book, you’ll meet a tinker-warrior, a semi-honest ship’s captain, a weather witch, a yuk pirate admiral, a queen, her three daughters and a band of irritating bureaucrats. Great fun!

In the Merchant of Venison, you’ll learn what happens when a man wants a pound of flesh as a loan payment rather than the money. What does the judge decide and how is the debt finally paid? What law is invoked at the end that changes everything? Read this story and learn why lending money can be hazardous to your health and more.

The Inter-Racial Musical Playoffs involves wizards trying to fix the competition so they can rake in a bundle of money on their bets. Wait until you read this ending filled with twists, turns, spells and more.

The final story in this book is Tactical Surprise and it will endear you to the main characters and renew your faith in friendship, honesty and laughter.

For a list of book sellers follow this link.

Tales From Gundarland: Announcement

Friday, July 2nd, 2010

Laughter is contagious.  Enjoy some by reading this book. It’s filled with delightful entertainment.  Without commercial interruption! Gundarland is populated by humans, dwarfs, elves and other races;Dwarf2 it’s the backdrop for unique adventures, brilliant heroes and cunning villains. This collection of humorous short stories and novellas is now available in both print (Amazon)and ebook (Smashwords) versions.

Check out the trailer on Youtube.

Brian Knight, a reviewer wrote: “Tales from Gundarland is an action packed, roller coaster. This wonderfully developed land with its inhabitants is a refreshing get away from the world we live in. All of the multiple characters are both believable and unique which is a testament to the author’s talent.

Each of the eight short stories deliver a fresh, humorous spin on some of the classic tales such as Romeo and Juliet and Zorro; while poking fun at political greed and social aspects of life. Action and adventure keeps the pace moving at a steady pace; when combined with the humorous aspects the stories take on a vivid presence in the readers mind. The common denominator that holds them all together is Gundarland.

From the first word, Hank Quense’s passion for crafting gripping tales and quick wit takes center stage. Instantly, you are immersed in the land of Gundarland next to the multiple individuals that inhabit the planet. With each passing page, it is virtually impossible not to become part of the humor and adventure within “Tales FromGundarlandEbook3D Gundarland.”

“Tales From Gundarland” delivers nonstop action and laughs with an intriguing pinch of romance. The unique stories, strong characters and multiple plots carry from story to story and page to page. This book is a must have for those seeking action, adventure and comedy bundled in short, deliberate stories.”

Here is a list of the stories and a brief synopsis of each:

Romeo and Juliet: Romeo, a dwarf miner, and Juliet, the elfin daughter of a rich gem merchant, have a rocky courtship because Juliet’s brothers are avowed enemies of Romeo’s family.

Chasing Dreams: This novella tells the story of twin yuk brothers on their journey from strong-armed thugs to highway robbers to bawdy house owners to politicians. The brothers are plagued and harassed by vigilantes.

Boggerts Blue: A warrior-cook seeks to rescue a kidnapped princess.  She refuses to be rescued by someone who isn’t noble-born.

The Big Bang: A wizard has to eliminate a dragon and his minions.  Along the way to complete his mission, he is tested by a shape-changer and a pair of trolls.

The Queen’s Hero: This novella is about a young tinker-warrior asSkiletManhe struggles to save his Queen from a pirate admiral trying to overthrow her and become king. The Queen’s three beautiful daughters have their own plans for the young hero.

Merchant of Venison: A dwarf butcher borrows money to help his best friend and soon regrets it.  The dwelf money lender has bloody ideas about the default payments.

Inter-Racial Musical Playoffs: A few greedy wizards attempt to fix a musical competition.  Other wizards try to protect the band leader who is favored to win the competition.

Tactical Surprise: A general develops unusual tactics to defeat a rebel army.  The enemy leader is a close family friend making the general’s decisions more difficult.