Posts Tagged ‘Gundarland’

Faux News Network Interview with Author Hank Quense

Friday, November 5th, 2010

(Faux News Network Exclusive Report)

My name is Marcia Hammerhead, cultural editor and reporter for the Faux News Network.  Despite my known preference for literary works, the publisher insists I interview an unknown scribbler of genre fiction, Hank Quense. With great reluctance, I have managed to read this so-called author’s book, Tales From Gundarland.

Marcia: What is Gundarland and where is it?

Hank: It’s a large country in a parallel universe that’s rather close to ours. In fact, it’s only a wormhole or two away.  It is populated by dwarfs, elves, humans, half-pints, yuks and other races.  This is also the2011 ebookawardfinalistuniverse that has the despicable zaftans.  It’s only a matter of time until the alien zaftans and the gundarlandians meet.  The results of the meeting will be unpredictable.

Marcia: I was shocked to discover the book has plots.  Why did you use plots?  Plots are so 20th century.  Modern literature demands plotless stories.

Hank: Plots are timeless.  Homer used them 3500 years ago and 3500 years into the future, stories will still use plots.  Without plots, the characters wander around wondering what they are supposed to be doing. Plotless stories are like bloodless people.  My book is a collection of six short stories and two novellas and I’m happy to announce that every one of them has a plot.

Marcia: How disgusting.  Moving on, you mutilated two of Shakespeare’s most beloved plays.  Can’t you come up with your own stories?  Why plagiarize one of the most famous writers in the English language?

Hank: Shakespeare’s plays were written in the 1500’s and are almost unreadable.  They cry out for an update and that’s what I did. I like to think that I made Shakespeare more accessible to modern readers.

Marcia: Do you plan any more Shakespearian perversions?

Hank: Right now, I’m working on a first draft of a masterpiece.  It’ll combine the plots and characters from Othello and Hamlet with another character, Falstaff.  It’ll be a novella and probably top out at 35,000 words.  I think Shakespeare would applaud my efforts to update his plays.  In this case, Hamlet is a dwarf prince, Othello is a dark elf and Falstaff is himself, a human rogue.

Marcia: If that isn’t chutzpah, I don’t know what is.  You used a self-publishing option to get this collection published.  I suppose no regular publisher would touch this rubbish.  True?

Hank: I’m not sure, since I didn’t try very hard.  I’ve used publishers in the past and what happens with them is I get to do all the work and they get the keep almost all the money.  Bummer.  With self-publishing, I get to keep most of the money.  Big difference.

Marcia: And how is this trash selling?

Hank: It’s a best seller on Zaftan 31B.  Unfortunately, the aliens burn the book and use the ashes in a pornographic ritual.  But I like to think the zaftans read the stories before burning it.  In Gundarland, it’s selling well and some of the characters have reached rock-star fame.  This is especially true for Burga the Warrior-Cook and Zarro, the dwarf hero.  Their agents are negotiating tour contracts.

Marcia: I find it incomprehensible that this collection receives awards.  It must be symptomatic of a general decline in literature and taste.

Hank: Many readers find my stories entertaining.

Marcia: Do you plan more assaults on the mother tongue and literature in general?

I plan to release a novel early next year.  It’s called Zaftan Entrepreneurs and it’s a first contact book.  A zaftan mining ship discovers Gundarland and tries to plunder its mineral wealth.  This angers a dwarf miner and he declares war on the aliens.

Marcia: That certainly is bad news since my editor may want me to interview you again.  Now that I’ve been warned, perhaps I can develop a way to avoid that onerous task.  This is Marcia Hammerhead, cultural reporter extraordinaire signing off and apologizing for subjecting you to this author’s drivel.

New Tales From Gundarland Review

Friday, October 22nd, 2010

Tales from The Gunderland is one of those books that could easily become a cult phenomenon. I really enjoyed the humor, which was sort of a cross between Hitchiker’sTFG award cover Guide to the Galaxy and Monty Python.  Each story was unique and self-contained, but still contributed to the “Gunderland Universe” as a whole.  My favorite is still Quinse’s retake on Romeo and Juliet. But seriously, who wouldn’t love a book with dwarfs, pirates, and aliens?

Hank Quense has created a collection I’d be proud to not only have on my shelf, but would definitely recommend to my friends. Anyone who enjoys off-beat humor should pick up this book. I’m looking forward to seeing more of his work.  Five bookmarks, for sure! ~Reviewed by Sherry Ficklin for Mind Fog Reviews!

Tales From Gundarland Group Reading Guide

Friday, October 15th, 2010

(Faux News Network Exclusive Report)

Our Cultural Reporter Marcia Hammerhead filed this report.  She obtained a guide for Reading Groups covering Hank Quense’s latest release, the award-winningTales From Gundarland.

Reading Group Guide:

1: Do you think Romeo really loved Juliet or did he woo her to simply piss off her brothers? Find material in the story to support your position.

2: Do you think Rolf and Ralf are sissies because they worry about what Ma thinks?

3: Why are heros like Zarro and The Lone Stranger so inept?  Do you think it is a result of theirTFG award coverupbringing? Or are they simply the wrong stuff?

4: Do you think the princesses will eventually seduce Knuben?  Who will win their contest?  Why will she win?  Will she be happy she won?

5: Why does Maestro Andante only use three kazoos in his band?  Would more kazoos have effected the outcome?  Would five kazoos make a more mellow sound?  Defend your answer?

6: Did Duchess Stilken cheat on her husband with General MacDwarfen before the husband’s death?  Cite evidence to support your opinion.

7: How many passive sentences did I use in the book?  List them.

8: In Merchant of Venison, can you add any ‘D’ words to the court scene?

9: In Rescuing Princesses, why didn’t Burga throw the recalcitrant princess, over his shoulder and rescue her anyway?  Explain this lack of dedication to the rescue.  Does this indicate a possibly fatal flaw in Burga’s psyche?

10: How can the stories in this collection be used to foster galactic peace? Explain in twenty-five words of less.

Burga’s Recipes-1

Wednesday, August 5th, 2009

(Faux News Network)

Today, our reporter from Gundarland, Andre DeVille, will interview the renowned warrior-cook, Burga.  He specializes in what he calls impromptu cooking.  As he explains it, you never what you’ll find on hand after a day full of battle or questing, so simplicity and easy-to-find ingredients are what you want.

Burga: I especially like recipes like this that can be prepared with a minimum of fuss.  When yer inna woods on a quest or an adventure, ya don’t always have to time to go grubbin’ around for a lotta ingredients.  So this is one is a time-tested favorite of mine. It’s called Barley and Mushroom Risotto.

What ya need is this:

* Couple handfuls of barley equal to a cup and a half.  (Barley is great onna quest ’cause it don’t take up much room inna saddlebag and it expands when it cooks.)

* A lotta sliced mushrooms (make sure ya pick the good kinds) About two cups of ‘em.

* chopped onions or scallions or wild onions or whatever ya got on hand. Ya need a cup of ‘em

* about three cups of water iffen that’s all ya got.  But if ya got some water that ya dragged a dead chicken though, it’ll taste better.

* Coupla large pinches of sage and thyme (easy to find inna woods.  I always keep my eye out for herbs growin’ wild and pick ‘em when I can get ‘em.

Now throw the barley with a little oil into a pot.  I use an old helmet I took off a dead warrior.  Stir the barley around until it gets brown.  Then toss in the mushrooms and onions.  Keep stirrin’ until really heated.  Throw in some water and the herbs. Keep stirrin’ and addin’ water until the barley gets soft.

This requires some attention so it ain’t a good recipe iffen ya gotta beat off some rogues or bandits while cookin’.

Andre: thank you for that recipe and cooking advice, Burga.  I’m curious if the readers like these type of woodsy recipes and want to see more.  Leave a comment and I’ll send you a verision of this recipe suitable for use in the typical modern kitchen.