Posts Tagged ‘Faux News Network’

Board of Ed wants new numbers

Monday, October 25th, 2010

(Faux News Network)

This exclusive report was filed by our political reporter, Stacy Conundrum>

The Texas Board of Education has announce a new initiative after it realized that America uses numbers developed by Moslems.  It has authorized a project staffed by astrologers, numerologists, phrenologists and Bible experts to develop an American, Christian set of numbers to replace our current Arabic numbers.  They hope to have the new numbers in text books by the start of the school year in September 2011.

A spokesperson for the Board told our reporter, “It is symbolic of our inept Federal Government that they have ignored this insult to our Christian nation.  Their refusal to respond to our righteous demands has forced our hand.  While the Board accepts the responsibility to develop an American number system, we anticipate that the project will be attacked by the liberal wimps in and out of government.  We will disregard their unjustified criticism and do our Christian, American duty.  This is a crash project.  The sooner we finish it, the sooner our children will stop being exposed to the pernicious, foreign and ungodly influence of our current numbers.

“Our Board is extremely disappointed that none of the state’s math teachers and none of our NASA scientist or engineers agreed to join the project.  In a further demonstration of partisan rancor, our project has been denounced by the American Academy of Science.  The Texas Board of Education responds by decrying this liberal rathole of reactionary and dubious science.”

When asked by our reporter about the Board’s project, a spokesperson for the American  Academy of Science replied, “This is absurd.  It smacks of the Dark Ages.”

Faux News Signs Exclusive Deal

Saturday, September 25th, 2010

Faux News Network announced today that they have signed an exclusive deal with the Hank Quense Blog.  The blog will be the only outlet in this galaxy that will carry the news network reports.

Faux News also announced at the same time that they had opened branch offices in a parallel universe and would report exclusively on events from both Gundarland and Zaftan 31B.  Delivery of these reports from the other universe will depend on quantum chaos conditions in the connecting wormholes.

Author Hank Quense said in telephone interview, “I’m glad my blog will be able to carry the unbiased reports from the Faux News Network.  It’s one of my favorite sources of news.  I believe it is as accurate as any news network around.”

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