Posts Tagged ‘baseball’

New York Mets finish another successful season

Tuesday, October 5th, 2010

(Faux News Network)

Our sports reporter, Jock, Strapper filed this exclusive report:

A spokesperson for the New York Mets announced the completion of a successful season.  He said in a telephone interview, “The Mets believe we delivered quality baseball to all our fans and we’re justifiably proud of the team’s accomplishments.  At the beginning of the season we set out a pair of goals.  The first was to finish at least ten games in front of the last place team and we accomplished that.  Our other goal was to play .500 ball and we just missed that one. If we had won two more games, we would finished with an even won-lost ratio.

“We have one of the highest payrolls in baseball and we are proud of the way our players earned their salaries.  We are also pleased with some of the achievements of our individual players.  For instance, Luis Castillo was the highest paid benchwarmer in the league.  And what can we say about Oliver Perez’s performance.  Given astronomical ERA, his huge salary and the small number of innings pitched, he had the highest salary per inning pitched in the history of baseball, a wonderful achievement.

We want our fans to know that next year, we will strive to improve.  Out preliminary goals for 2011 are to beat the last place team by fifteen games and finish with a positive won-lost ratio.  Management knows we can’t sit still if we are to achieve these goals and it is committed to improve our team so we can deliver the level of mediocrity that our fans have become accustom to.”

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Baseball players upset by Lopez contract

Thursday, September 16th, 2010

(Faux News Network)

Major League baseball players expressed outrage today over the size of Jennifer Lopez’s contract.

A union official who talked only under condition of anonymity said, “I doubt if she can catch a baseball and I’m sure she can’t hit a fast ball, so why is she worth all that money?  We have major league players who can catch and hit and they don’t earn anything near that much.  We have notified every owner and the MLB that the players demand a raise of one million a year retroactive to the start of the season.  If our justified and quite reasonable demand is not met, the players will vote to go on strike at the end of the season.  Let’s see the owners play the post-season games with strike breakers.

World Series and New Jersey

Tuesday, October 27th, 2009

Now that the World Series opponents have been determined, the importance of New Jersey’s geographical location becomes apparent.  New Jersey forms a hundred mile buffer zone between the Yankee fans and the Philies fans.  Without New Jersey, these fans would be rubbing elbows (and dodging knuckles).  Without New Jersey, emergency rooms in hospitals would be overloaded with injured fans of both clubs.

If you would like to thank New Jersey for performing this valuable, civic-minded public service, visit the state and drop your contribution in any one of its many, conveniently-located toll booths.

Let me know what you think about New Jersey’s importance.

Baseball Announcers

Friday, July 10th, 2009

Baseball commentators on the national broadcasts are driving me batty with their babbling about obscure statistics.  These guys are definitely worse than the local commentators. To me these stats sound as ridiculous as this: Announcer One:”This pitcher runs the count to 3 and 2 on eight batters every time he starts a game on Tuesday in a month without the letter R.  Think about how incredible that is, folks.” Announcer Two: Amazing.  It just goes to show you.  No matter how much we think we know about the game, there is always more to learn.

Gibberish like this forces me to watch the game with the sound turned off.  Commercials are much better that way also.