Neo-opsis cover: Issue 8 2005: Hell of a Salesman
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This is Marcia Hammerhead, interviewer extraordinaire and reporter for the Hoboken Sun-Times-Star-News-Post-Ledger-Reporter. Normally, I only interview reknowned authors of literary fiction, but today I have been commanded to work with an unknown author of genre fiction. Despite my reservations, I will plunge ahead. I have with me today the alleged author, Hank Quense. I say alleged because I doubt if anyone as old as he is can write humorous stories like Fool's Gold. Let us begin.
Interviewer. Obviously, you are a stand-in for the real author. I assume this author is shy and doesn't like the publicity. So what makes you believe you get away with posing as the author of Fool's Gold?
Author. I thought age bias was against the law. What makes you think I'm not the author?
I. In an interview, you're not supposed to answer a question with another question.
A. I assure you I'm the author.
I. All right. I see I'll have to go on the assumption that I'm not being hoodwinked by an ancient con man. Fool's Gold is a combination Science Fiction and Fantasy story. Did you write it this way because you were unable to make up your mind which genre to use?
A. I don't see anything wrong with combining genres. There are very few stories around with that combination.
I. The story behind Fool's Gold is the book Richard Wagner used to compose his great Ring Cycle of operas. How do you have the nerve to take such a classic, legendary story and transform it into one filled with disgusting aliens and incredible devices?
A. Wagner's fantasy creatures are tired and a bit trite these days. A dragon and dwarfs? How many times have seen those creatures in stories. They cried out to get a new lease on life, to have a new role. I gave it to them.
I. Describe these aliens.
A. Fafner, Wagner's dragon, is a seven-foot tall, four-hundred pound creature with eight tentacles, similar to a giant squid. He is a Zaftan. He has two eye stalks and a beak-like nose and mouth. Alberich, a dwarf in Wagner's tale, is small and scrawny with pale green skin with red eyes in yellow irises.
I. I find a seven-foot, four-hundred-pound, squid-like alien hard to imagine. Couldn't you devise something less loathsome than this Fafner creature.
A. Zaftan aliens are great fun to write about; outrageous, despicable, funny. Most of them consider treachery and assassination to be a set of important social skills.
I. Is there any follow-up activities for this turgid trash?
A. A Broadway play is in the works. Wagner's aria's will be transcribed into Rap format. We're looking at something really special here. But the producer is having trouble get someone who looks like a giant squid to play the lead role of Fafner.
I. Any other mind-boggling possibilities?
A. Some folks are talking about a TV sitcom. In it, the aliens move into an apartment building with a lot of young single people who hang out in a coffee shop. They plan to use computer animation for the Fafner character. The working title is 'Buddies'.
I. I understand that some money-grubbing publisher has agreed to put out a collection of your short stories. This is a slap in the face for great short story writers like O. Henry and others of his ilk, don't you agree?
A. No, I don't. My stories provide readers with a measure of humor. In these trying times, we can use all the a laughter we can find. I think readers will get more than a few laughs from the Tunnel Vision collection.
I. How do you go about creating a new story?
A. Mine always start with a character, usually a bizarre one. Then I give him a big problem. At least the character thinks it's a big deal. Then I have to add an antagonist, preferably as bizarre as the protagonist. Up to here it's easy. But now it gets a bit harder; I have to come up with an ending. After that, the process turns difficult and oftentimes impossible. I have to find a logical and believable path from the beginning to the end. I have a number of potential stories that I could never find that path. They now live in the infamous sock drawer
I. In your stories, many of your characters are aliens or dwarfs. Do you have some disliking for normal, human characters?
A. Using dwarfs and aliens means I can address sensitive issues without the Political Correctness Police raiding my home. For instance, I wrote a spoof of Shakespeare's Merchant of Venice, one of the most anti-Semitic plays ever written. I cast Shylock as a dwelf (half dwarf and half elf). In my story I can treat him in an decidedly anti-dwelf manner and it comes off as humor, whereas when Shakespeare's play is considered hateful.
I. Does reading your stories have any possible side-effects?
A. I'm glad you asked that because there are precautionary measures that should be taken by readers. First, check with your doctor to determine if you are healthy enough to take part in spontaneous laughter. Second, if you are suffering from a contagious disease such as the flu, wear a mask to limit the spread of air-borne germs when you laugh out loud. Finally, no one should read my stories while driving a car or operating heavy machinery.
I. Personally, I believe readers would be much better off spending their time with the works of proven masters of incomprehensible works rather than with a modern scribbler of dubious talent. I prefer Dovstoyesky, Dante and Joyce. That's all for now. Until my next authoritative and outstanding interview, I'm Marcia Hammerhead.
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