Famous Interviewer:  Look, before we start, I want you to know the only reason I’m here is because my editor gave me this assignment and there is no way I’m going to put my name on an interview with an unknown writer of dubious talent.   So, to protect my identity, I’ll do the interview wearing this copy of an ancient Roman death mask.

Hank:  How can you see with that thing on?  There are no eye slits.

Anonymous interviewer: I use a tape recorder.

Hank: There’s no nose holes either.  How can you breath in there?

AI: I’m the interviewer.  I ask the questions.  Can you deal with that?

Hank: I’m not sure.  I never tried not asking questions.

AI:  Let’s begin.  You write humor and satiric fantasy or science fiction.  Why not serious stories?

Hank:  Anyone who wants to read serious fantasy and science fiction stories can get all they want on the front pages of any daily newspaper.  The papers have stories about politicians stating they understand the voters issues.  More stories will relate the ‘good reason’ for the government’s latest actions but will be silent about the ‘real reason’.  Corporate executives will swear that they never took a dime of investors money.  What fiction writer can compete with stuff like this?

AI:  That’s another question.  Have you ever written anything besides these types of stories?

Hank: When I was employed for a large corporation, I wrote a specialized type of fiction. They were called Sales Plans and Business Plans and they were every bit as fictious as the stuff I write now. There are annual awards for fantasy and SF stories and I think there should be awards for this type of business fiction.

AI: What’s with the idiotic bio blurb on your web-site?

Hank:  I write fiction.  In other words, I make up lies and write them as if the events actually happened.  Why should my bio blurb be the truth when my stories are all lies?

AI: You just asked me another question.  Many of your stories are set in a place called Gundarland.  Tell us about Gundarland.

Hank:  On a planet similar to Earth, in a parallel universe . . .

AI: So, it’s not in this universe?

Hank: Right.  Gundarland’s a large island populated by many races: humans, trolls, dwarfs, elves, kobolds, etc.  Oddly enough, these varied races live day to day with only normal interracial hostility.  It also boasts a society of undead and monsters such as werewolves, zombies, ghouls and vampires.

AI: How odd.

 Hank:  In addition, the Gundarlandian countryside is frequently plagued by incursions of Yuks.  These guys are ugly, cruel and ill-humored, Yuks are never accepted in polite society no matter how much money they accumulate by illicit -- usually violent -- means.  They also have green skin.

AI: what else can you tell us about it?

Hank: In Gundarland, warriors have a tendency to study a double major in an Academy or College.  One major is, of course, fighting and warfare.  The second major helps the warrior make a living during the occasional outbreaks of peace.  Some of these combinations are rather bizarre, like knight-accountants and cook-warriors.  

AI:  Is Gundarland similar to any “real” place?

Hank: It is apparent from even a cursory knowledge of geography that the British Isles are a knock-off of Gundarland, one for which franchise fees were never paid.

AI: Let’s change subjects.  How do you start working on a story?

Hank:  It almost always starts with a character.  Once I have a good idea of what makes the character tick, I work on figuring out what the character’s big problem is.  The big problem is the one the character has to come to grips with during the course of the story.

AI:.  How long does it take to produce a first draft of a story?
Hank:  Sometimes it’s years between the time I get an idea about a character and the time when I fit him into a story that I like.  Then I can write the first draft.  Sometimes a fully developed story pops into my head, but that is rare.

AI:  Who is our favorite character in your stories?

Hank:  I think Ida (no last name) may be my favorite character.  She’s an undead chic from Romaslavia who lives in Manhattan.  Although she’s undead, she still retains a bit of sex drive and she scares the living crap out of men when she puts moves on them.  I’ve written three stories with her and I’m contemplating a fourth.

AI:  Do you have anything in the works other than short stories?

Hank:  I have a novella that is a spoof of Wagner’s Ring Cycle of Operas.  The big advantage to this novella is that there are no fat ladies singing in it.  I wrote a novel that takes place in Gundarland and I’m looking for an agent to handle it.  I’m also working on another novella.  My problem with longer works like novellas and novels is that I get bored writing them and have to drop them for a while to write another short story or two.  Then I’ll go back to working on the longer work.

AI:  What type of readers will be attracted to your work?

Hank:  I think readers who like to read Terry Prachett and Chris Moore will like my stories

AI: What’s next in your writing?

Hank: More of the same.  Why change or tinker with a process that has a proven track record of non-success?

AI:  It’s awfully hot behind this mask.  I’m starting to feel faint.  We’ll have break off at this point.

Editor:  This interview may be continued at some time in the future but don’t hold your breath.