Lottery winner assumes post of mayor in Camton, NJ

February 7th, 2010

(Hanque Faux News Network)

Marcus Blair, the bus driver in Campton who won the first mayoral lottery last month, was sworn in as the mayor of this troubled New Jersey city.  Hoping to eliminate the graft and corruption associated with entrenched politicians, the state instituted a special lottery to determine the next mayor of the city.  Open to all citizens in the county, half of revenue from the ten dollar ticket will go into the coffers of the city. Blair will remain in office for eighteen months and will be replaced by the next lottery winner.

Blair, right after the swearing-in ceremony was over, appointed his eight siblings to deputy mayor jobs at undisclosed salaries.

In his first press conference he said, “I almost had a heart attack when I found out how big the city budget is. I thought I got to spend all that money, but the budget director straightened me out.”

Blair went on to say he would continue to pay union dues just in case his new job doesn’t work out.  He also said that prior to leaving office, he planned to appoint himself to an executive position with the transit authority.

A spokesman for the State Lottery Commission said in telephone interview, “We don’t see how the lottery can produce worse politicians than elections did. In effect, people voted with their ten dollar bills rather than with a ballot.”


Study on cell phone ban

January 31st, 2010

A recent study on the effects of banning cell phone use while driving came up with an unexpected result.  The study showed that the accident rate didn’t change after the ban went into effect.  Investigators were puzzled by the results and don’t understand them.  Well, duh.  The accident rate didn’t go down because drivers ignore the cell phone ban and keep on using them while driving.

Cell phone bans are useless.  The only thing that will stop drivers from using their phones while driving is a technology that will prevent cell phone use while the vehicle is moving.

Silly studies like this one will be used buy the phone companies as proof that cell phone use in vehicles doesn’t have to banned.

Fool’s Gold: A finalist!

January 29th, 2010

Fool’s Gold was a finalist for best novel of the year in the scifi/fantasy category on the Readers Favorites site.

The five-star review reads in part:

Fool’s Gold by Hank Quense is the retelling of the ancient myth of the Rhinegold with a unique twist. Quense’s version takes place in a dark future after society as we know it has been destroyed by hostilities, pestilence and contamination. This novella is filled with aliens, primeval supernatural beings, beautiful Norse goddess, out-of-date conquerors, scheming aristocracy, treachery, insatiabi

Jets coach to increase team’s motivation

January 25th, 2010

(Hanque Faux News Network)

The Jets rookie head coach, Rex Ryan, took his team’s lose to the Colts very hard.  Despite making it all the way to the AFC championship game, Rex announced that his team would need additional motivation to reach the Super Bowl next year.  To provide that motivation, Rex announced that he would fast until the Jets made it to the Super Bowl.  Currently consuming 7000 calories a day, the 350 pounder will cut his caloric intake to 6000 calories per day. “This decision sends a message to the world about how serious I am about reaching the Super Bowl,” he said. “And I’m sure it will rub off on the players.”  One of the players, who wished to remain anonymous, agreed.  “This shows the dedication of our coaches.  I’m hyped up.  Now I want to win the Super Bowl just so Coach Rex can get back to his full regime of snacking.”


Book Review: Pirate Latitudes by Michael Crichton

January 24th, 2010

While the book has a good pirate tale in it, the story telling is deeply flawed and a disappointment.  Hunter, the chief character, is commissioned by the governor of Jamaica to prey on Spanish shipping.  He sails off and is captured by the Spanish.  He is freed by one of his men who hides in the bilges of the ship breathing through a straw for several days. Crichton doesn’t explain what the guy ate and drank during that time.  Hunter’s men are great at killing the Spanish.  One kills the entire crew of a ship single-handedly.  Another slips into a room with ten sleeping soldiers and kills all of them without waking any of them up.  The book is filled with nonsense like this.  There are also several episodes whose only purpose is to increase the conflict and add to the word count. These episodes have nothing to do with advancing the plot and could be eliminated without changing anything about the story.

I give it one out of five stars.

Shopping Rant

January 19th, 2010

I do most of the food shopping (and cooking) in our house.  Here are lists of my pet gripes and anti-gripes:

Supermarket shopping: least favorite people:

1: Those who count out exact change on a express checkout lane: “here’s a quarter . . . three dimes . . . four nickels and, just a minute, I’m sure I have two pennies somewhere.”

2: Folks with 25 items who check out on the express line

3: Drivers who take short-cuts by driving through parking spaces

4: Shoppers who block an entire aisle with their body and the cart

5: Surly, unknowledgeable store help

Supermarket shopping: favorite people:

1: pleasant, knowledgeable store help.

As much as possible, I shop in stores with this type of help.  It makes the ones above almost tolerable.

What are your pet shopping peeves?


Author Interview: Philip J. Lees

January 17th, 2010

Philip is a British ex-pat who lives and writes in Greece.

1) Can you give us a brief bio?

I was born. I haven’t died yet.

2) When did the writing bug bite and in what genre(s)?

Although I didn’t see it that way at the time, my interest in writing dates back to a single-figure age. My great grandmother taught me to read when I was three, and more or less from then on I was a regular reader. I can’t remember writing anything specific, but I have clear recollections of scribbling stuff down. My first fiction sale was to Eagle comic in the 1960s, when I was about twelve. It was an attempt at humour, describing somebody getting into a hot bath as if were a torturous ordeal. I got five shillings for it. (That same discerning publication also bought a short story from one Douglas Adams at about the same time. His was better than mine.)

The lead story in Eagle comic concerned Dan Dare, spaceman extraordinaire, and his battles against the evil Mekon. But the thing that really dates my interest in science fiction back to the early 1960s is Doctor Who, the longest running television SF series in the world. The BBC recently released the reconstructed early episodes on DVD. I watched them and found I could remember whole chunks of dialogue, from when I was ten years old!

Bruce Holland Rogers and Philip Lees

Bruce Holland Rogers and Philip Lees

In my early teens I had an English teacher at school who would occasionally bring in marking or reports to do during our lesson, so he wouldn’t have to do them at home, in his own time. He would tell us to spend the hour writing anything we felt like in our “Anthology” books. I remember writing a spoof of the Man From U.N.C.L.E., and something else called “The Advance of the Killer Moles.” Sadly, all that has been lost to posterity. (Historical note: the name of that English teacher was Bill Gates, but I doubt he was related to the other one.)

Apart from these and other early, occasional attempts at writing, I’ve been making serious attempts to write fiction for about ten years now. I’ve always enjoyed science fiction, so I write quite a lot of that, but I don’t really believe in “genres”. I believe in whatever works for a given story I want to tell.

3) When you started writing, what goals did you want to accomplish? Is there a message you wanted readers to grasp?

Hell no! I write to please myself. If I end up with something reasonably close to what I was trying for, then I like to share it. If that sharing is in the form of a publication, so much the better. But any “message” only gets in there by accident.

4) Briefly, tell us about your books

I have two novels completed and a third one started. The first novel, a mainstream historical mystery satire romance, needs more work. The second, which is soft science fiction, I think is publishable. I’ve approached a few agents and have had generally positive responses, but not quite positive enough so far.

5) What’s the hook for these books?

Here’s the hook for the second novel, working title The Changelings:

Pod is four and a half years old and in two days she will be married. She can handle that—she’s an adult, after all—she can even cope with the knowledge her father decides to pass on to her about the origins of their people, but then the aliens arrive and play havoc with her wedding.

The aliens are not so different, although they come in a bewildering variety of shapes and colours. Their leader, Lorienne Fairbanx, seems almost like a person, in spite of her unusual appearance, and Pod is intrigued. Pod’s friend Derrin has even fallen in love. But is Lorienne to be their friend, or their Nemesis?

6) How do you develop characters? Settings?

Characters either develop themselves, or not. Once I know a character’s name, I’m OK from them on. I suppose I tend to choose settings I’m familiar with. I live on an island in a temperate climate, and the setting for Changelings is a group of islands in a temperate climate. I made up most of the flora and fauna, though.

7) What’s the most unusual/most likable character?

The most UNlikeable character I’ve created is probably the male protagonist of my first novel, Clive Dotter. He writes really horrible poetry. Most likeable, I don’t know. I have a tendency to like my characters too much, even the bad ones, then I rewrite scenes to make them not so bad and all the conflict evaporates. I’m getting better at avoiding that, though. The most unusual character is probably the alien sex instructor who is the first person pov in a recent, very short story I wrote, which almost nobody except me understands.

8) Do you have specific techniques to help you maintain the course of the plot?

Not that I’m aware of. After the first novel, I developed detailed outlines for the other two, but I don’t always stick to them and I’m not even sure it’s a good idea (Stephen King says not).

Future Mysteries Cover

Future Mysteries Cover

9) Do you have a specific writing style? Preferred POV?

I suppose I have a core “style”, but I like experimenting with different approaches to broaden my range. As for POV, that usually comes along with the basic story idea, so what I prefer is what works best in a given case.

10) Share the best review or a portion that you’ve ever had

“…crisp and interesting.” The worst was probably “…a far cry from deadly good,” but the story in question got an honourable mention in Ellen Datlow’s Best Horror of the Year Anthology for 2009, so I can magnanimously forgive the reviewer for that.

11) What’s the most unexpected thing that’s happened to you as a writer?

Getting a story included in the Writers of the Future anthology, volume XVII, in 2001, and discovering I’d won an all-expenses-paid trip to Hollywood for a one-week writers’ workshop.

12) Have you participated in other writers’ workshops?

I organised one myself, in Crete in 2005. One of the instructors was Eric Witchey, whom I’d met at the WoTF bash in Hollywood, and the other was Bruce Holland Rogers, who’s won a couple of World Fantasy awards, among other things. Both great guys, and everybody seemed to think the workshop went very well. I certainly got a lot out of it. For me, one of the main benefits of both those workshops was getting the feeling that I belonged to a community of writers. I’m still in touch with a lot of the people I met there.

13) What are your current projects?

Over the last couple of years I’ve been getting a new house built and moving into it, along with all that that entails—conferring with engineers and builders, making a million choices, financing and so on—and I’ve been forced to put my writing on the back burner. One of my new year’s resolutions is to get back into a regular routine of writing and submitting.

14) Where can folks learn more about your books and events?

From my website: http://www.philiplees.com

15) What type of writing do you do?

I do a lot of scientific writing and editing as part of the way I earn my living. In fact, I’d been doing that for a number of years before I started writing fiction on a serious regular basis, and I realised it had given me a very good grounding in the mechanics of the writing process—grammar, sentence construction, and so on. Its like in music, where when you learn an instrument you have to spend a lot of time doing exercises, practising scales and so on. Moving from science writing to fiction was like taking the leap to improvising jazz. But all that time spent practising pays off.

16) What is the best thing about writing?

The hours. No, I’m kidding: the money. Seriously, I mentioned the Writers of the Future thing before. One thing they do is they have an illustrators’ contest that runs in parallel, and each published story has an illustration. They sprung this thing on us where all we writers walked into a room where the prize-winning illustrators were waiting and all the illustrations were hung up in a row. I spotted the one that went with my story very quickly (despite some misgivings about what if I’d got it wrong, how horribly embarrassing that would be, etcetera, etcetera—anyway, I’d got it right) and I met the illustrator who’d done it. One of the great moments of my life, and one of the most moving. Here I was in Greece, and I’d written this story, and someone in America had read it, and done an illustration, and she’d picked up all the essential main points of the story and put them into an image, and it spoke to me the moment I saw it. So the best thing about writing is that communication, and the rare moments when you have it confirmed.

17) Is there a specific time of day that you write?

No. I like nothing better than to get up in the morning and know that I have the entire day to work on my fiction. But the necessity of earning a living (see above) means that it doesn’t happen very often. So I tend to clear my desk of all the outstanding work obligations, clear my mind too, then get to the fiction in whatever time is left.

18) What is the most interesting book you ever read?

There is no “most”, but two of the more interesting books I’ve read this year are Darwin’s “Origin of Species”, and Galileo’s “Dialogue Concerning the Two Chief World Systems”, both of which had major anniversaries. Each represents a leap of human intellect in understanding the universe we inhabit and our own place in it. In both cases, the author’s joy and awe at the process of discovery pervades the somewhat dry scientific text. Of course, both of them were vilified by the society of their day.

19) Favourite authors?

I’ve been reading a lot of Philip K. Dick over the last couple of years and I love his writing—his best stuff, anyway. There are so many writers whose work I’ve enjoyed, though, it isn’t really fair to single anybody out. My reading tastes veer wildly and unpredictably between such extremes as William Gibson and P.G. Wodehouse, passing over everything in between.

20) Any parting words of advice for writers?

Give it up now, before it starts to get really difficult. The more of you there are out there, the more submissions there are ahead of mine in the slush pile. Give up now and get out of my way.

New Jersey Politicians

January 13th, 2010

The media often covers the trials and incarcerations of New Jersey’s corrupt politicians and, indeed, the state has a lot of officials doing hard time, standing trial or awaiting sentencing.  There are so many of them that folks in other states think New Jersey is the center of political corruption.  Not true.  New Jersey’s politicians are no more corrupt than other politicians throughout the world and history.  What gives the state a bad name is that we investigate and prosecute more politicians that the other states do.  These other states suffer from corrupt politicians just as much as New Jersey does; the difference is that New Jersey does something about it.

Instead of snickering at New Jersey, the voters in these other states should demand that their prosecutors follow New Jersey’s example and investigate more of their politicians.  It is my belief that if that happens, New Jersey will become ‘average’ in terms of its number of jailed politicians.


Fiction Writing Discussion

January 6th, 2010

Starting today, (1/6/10) I’ll be a guest on the Writebuzz website to discuss various aspects of fiction writing.  This week’s topic is Story Construction. The remaining schedule is as follows:

1/13: Motivation

1/20: Characterization

1/27: Plotting.

Stop by and check out the discussion.  You may like the site and elect to join it.

Guest Blogger

January 2nd, 2010

Hiya.

My name is Burga and I’m a guest blogger here today.  I guess the so-called author is runnin’ out of interestin’ things to say.  I’m a warrior-cook and I’ve had the lead role in two short stories that have been sold.  I agreed to do this ’cause the author gave me a big role in new novel he’s writin’.  Not the main role, but a big part.

Iffen I gotta write stuff here, I better tell you about myself.

I graduated a few years back from the College of Combat and Culinary Arts.  After that I joined the Heroes Guild.  I get a lotta leads on adventures from the college and the guild, enough to keep me workin’ anyway.  I love to go on adventures.  Besides havin’ fun, I meet different people and find out about new recipes and strange culinary techniques.  That’s the part I really like.  Don’t get me wrong, muggin’ dragons is fun and the loot is good.  I guess you can say that adventurin’ is my job but cookin’ is my passion.

I use a lotta my loot to buy herbs and spices, especially exotic ones, ’cause you need powerful stuff to make raccoon or badger taste good and that may be all I can catch while I’m onna quest.  With enough spices, I can even make grilled vulture taste good.

With a few more adventures, I’ll get promoted to Class B by the Heroes Guild and that’ll let me charge more for my services.  Also, my college’ll reclassify me to fighter-cook in a coupla months.  My aim is eventually become rated as a hero-chef.

In my first published adventure, I teamed up with a cute pastry-sorceress to get revenge on a wizard-critic who gave us nasty reviews.  That story is in Tunnel Vision.

Okay that’s it for today.  Writin’ stuff is a lot harder than cookin’.

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